What do I do? When I have so many thoughts, so many ideas running through my mind that it would be impossible to focus on a single one? If I have ten good ideas would it not be disrespectful to focus on just one? Would I not be betraying all the other ideas? How do I stay faithful to my goals and my dreams. How long will I stay sleeping instead of being awake and achieving those dreams? How long will I allow this thinking to keep you from realizing even one idea?
I have not been able to write for a long time, I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and written for my own enjoyment in this way . At least not for the better part of the last decade. I’ve been meaning to, I’ve probably told myself I will every week for said decade. I never have.
I’ve been meaning to have a regular exercise schedule that I keep to. One that allows me to reach the goals physically and aesthetically that I have always wanted. I never have.
I promised myself a long time ago that by this time I would have cured my addictions and be free from them. Not momentary freedom but genuine freedom that doesn’t have me paranoid and hating myself every other day. I lied
According the plan I would be fluent in French, or at the very least reading and studying it every day. The plan failed
I was supposed to be reading my bible every day now, and have a relationship with Jesus Christ that feels like I’m actually engaged with Him. Not just crying out to him every time I feel like I fall short. I want a relationship with Him where I feel his presence daily, not just in church when the lights are low and the music is soft. I suppose I was wrong
What’s stopping me? Aside from a whole host of mental issues that I’m not even sure are real. The single biggest thing is probably myself. Why blame depression, addictions, lack of time or other people interfering with my life , when the simple truth is me. I am the reason I don’t do half the things I enjoy and all the things I don’t. I could find thousands of excuses and explanations , but in the end I am my enemy. I am my own adversary. The greatest obstacle to my success looks me in the eye every morning. He smiles when I smile, he glares when I glare, when I laugh he laughs. He copies me in every single way, but he’s not the real me. He just looks,smells, talks, walks and eats like me. The real me, the one I will become would never treat me with such disrespect. He would never allow me to waste my time. He would never allow me to feel hate, bitterness and lust. He wouldn’t stay in the cycle of promising radical change, then compromising to the point of surrender. He would works his hardest for his own growth and the growth of his people. He would look himself in the mirror and feel nothing but love. I don’t who is there now, what I know is that I cannot allow him to remain.
I have been at odds with him for a very long time, I have felt the tension for years now. Finally, in the last two years I have mustered the courage, will and strength to oppose him. To stand against his will.
The war was declared a long time ago, but now it starts. Now I will assail my enemy. He will know no rest, no peace will reach his soul. I will use every weapon against him and assault him on all fronts. I will achieve victory at all costs. I will burn him out, burn him away so that he may never return. I will not allow him the honor of history , he will have no legacy. His name will be blackened and tossed to the wind with the rest of the embers. No one will ever know he existed. He does not deserve such a privilege.
For I am me ,and I am the only one who will ever be me
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